Thanksgiving!

Dear Dad,

It's almost Thanksgiving. We lost Christmas to the corporations years ago, Valentines day is either depressing or extortion depending on your relationship status, the 4th is fun but can get a little jingoistic at times, Easter is on a Sunday (What! no day off!), Memorial day gets sadder every year as we continue to add to the reason for Memorial Day (Out of Afghanistan by 2015!), and Labor day is officially and only the last day of summer( move along people, nothing to see here). Thanksgiving is the real deal though. There's sports and cooking and family and religion and history and eating and pie. It's the only holiday that comes with pie. I love pie! Mmmm pie. Remember Mom's pumpkin pies? Mmmm pie!

I'm in a bit of a quandary this year. I just don't feel that thankful for things. Not the way I have in the past. The weird thing is I don't really have anything to complain about. Well, other than my height, my weight, my social status, my finances, my love life, my age, my job, and my perception of the human race I have nothing to complain about. Still I'm wicked handsome in a chubby bald way, I'm wicked smart as long as you don't keep score by success or achievement, and I can buy as much ice cream as I want. Mmmm ice cream! So life's not perfect, so what! I was raised a Red Sox fan back when being a Red Sox fan was both a calling and a cross to bare. Now they have a couple of championships under their belts and they're just another bunch of overpaid jackoffs. I have 35 years of exquisite failure under my belt.

I was about to say that you must know what I'm talking about but you were a Cubs fan. 35 years of a crap team losing and then losing some more. Red Sox fans got to almost win year after year. Always good, sometimes great, but unfortunately not great enough. What better way to learn about life in America than to root for a team that is always... just... reaching... for... the... brass...

No! It's Bucky F@#king Dent!

So I'm not bumming on the thanks part of Thanksgiving because life doesn't always go well. Not going well is unfortunately an integral part of life. I think I'm bumming on the thanks part of Thanksgiving because I'm being a wussy boy and I'm refusing to roll with reality. Because the reality of life is also the fact that while you don't always win sometimes you get...

Fair Ball! Fair Ball! Fisk homers! Red Sox win!

We didn't even win that series but that homer is still one of the greatest sports moments ever. I know I'll remember it long after the latest world series wins jumble together is the fog of time. We don't give thanks for winning do we? We give thanks for great moments. We give thanks for the special stuff that just doesn't happen that often. We give thanks for the things that are important to us. Boston teams have played in 27 championship series since 1966 which is when I was first old enough to pay attention. They have won 16 times yet the things that stay with me are...

No! It's Aaron F@#king Boone!

I know Pop, maybe I am a bit of a cups half full guy, maybe I'd be even more thankful for things if I had been a Cubs fan. Then I'd be doing back flips for the victories instead of philosophizing about the misses. Maybe. Still, most of it is misses isn't it? Even the Yankees lose in the end more often than they win.

Mom still misses you. She hasn't cooked a Thanksgiving dinner since you died. I think Thanksgiving is extra tough on her because it was your favorite. This year is extra bad. Your granddaughter tried to commit suicide last friday. Thankfully she's all right if in a lot of pain. I don't think Mom understands, she probably can't imagine anything being more painful than losing you ( I tend to agree), but she doesn't understand how lost modern kids wallowing in modern culture can be. Obsessed with material things but never really having to earn them, sold on the idea that you shouldn't have to be uncomfortable ever, and sheltered from the real world by the endless supply of media available to stave off any actual thinking they just aren't ready when reality rears its' ugly head. Maybe we should have all been Red Sox fans.

No! It's Bill F@#king Buckner!

I wish you could talk to her Dad. You always had a talent for distilling things down to the basic gist, perhaps essence is a better word, of what people were feeling. I would just sound like a clueless adult if I tried. Hope things are good where you are (No, don't tell me. I'll find out eventually). I'm still plugging, and I guess still thankful, I just wish I could pass that on to the people that need it.

...and the horse he came in on!

Really Fat Boy? 3 Posts in a row?

I don't want to keep posting about how dumb we are. There are other dead horses to beat and there are other things to talk about. For example, if you are a right winger who wanted Bill Clinton gone shouldn't you be angry at Herman Cain? If you are a left winger isn't what Herman Cain did his own personal business between him, his wife, and his accusers? No left wingers, what Bill Clinton did was absolutely sexual harassment if nothing else simply by the uneven power and status between him and his conquests. The fact that Lewinsky was an intern and  Paula Jones was a secretary makes it harassment even if there was no direct consequence. When someone has power over you there is an implied risk in thwarting their will. Right, Left, either side will try to have it both ways, but that makes them  criminals or dumb-asses... oops, I was going to talk about something other than how dumb we are... sorry.

It's hard not to think about how dumb we are though. I was watching the Pats game at the Grog last Sunday and everyone around me seemed to be dumb enough to think the Pats can win another Super Bowl with the worst pass defense in the football. That's only sports though. Rooting for your team is always a happy illusion until reality crashes the party, besides they have to play the games anyway.Who knows? miracles happen so I'm more than willing to embrace the dumb. Go Pats! The three drunk twenty somethings leaning on my back though were another story.

Great place, but also a home for nitwits.

Leaning on people sitting at a bar is not cool so I feel no remorse about listening in on their conversation. They were, apparently in no particular order, hot for the bartender and beer aficionados. The Grog, like every bar I've been in for the past 10 years, had about 5 old standbys on tap. Guinness, Mmmm Guinness! a light dry beer with a creamy head that they get from adding nitrogen at the tap, Samuel Adams lager, Mmmm Sam Boston lager! Smooth and bitter with a complex flavor that is very assertive compared to the lagers brewed at large American breweries, Sam Adams winter lager which I will pass on because spiced cider is fine, but spiced beer is not my thing, Budwiser, Mmmm Bud! Clean, crisp, short on flavor compared to the Sam but perfect with food, A hefeneiezn whose manufacturer I do not remember, yuck! I don't want crap floating in my drinks ever ( take that Japan and your nasty bubble tea), and 2 Dogfish Head whatevers because you have to have a couple of beers from a cooly named creft brewery for the "afficianados". (For the purpose of this blog whenever I use the word afficianado feel free to substitute rube, or dumb-ass.)

The leader of team beer leaned over my shoulder, pointed at the 2 Dogfish taps, tried to channel his best  Barry White voice (sorry young-uns, if you don't know what I'm talking about take a listen) and asked the bartender which of the 2 was the hoppiest. Hoppiest, really? Dude, even if you knew what you were talking about saying hoppiest made you sound dumb. She shrugged then offered him a taste of both. What followed was lots of Hmm m's, lip smacking and what sounded like gargling. All right over my head. Finally he pointed at a tap and after mentioning how nicely sweet that beer was ( hops make beer bitter so maybe I missed something) he ordered 3. $36 dollars for a round of 3. He didn't even have enough money to tip his future wife. Rube.

I kind of feel bad for the kid. Getting robbed by bars for the privilege of being a pretentious ass seems like a bad way to spend your younger years, and what about the bartender? If that whole beer snob thing had worked would he be better off or worse off than when he started? ( Ladies I am curious, when you work as a server and you are trapped and some stranger uses that as a chance to pitch woo is it always annoying? a good way to boost your tips? or something you consider on a case by case basis?)

$36. You can still buy a pretty good meal for $36 dollars. More importantly, which is the crux of the matter, can any beer be 2 1/2 times better than a Boston Lager, or 3 1/2 times better than a Bud? I'd ask Bill Clinton or Herman Cain, but it seems they had a waitress trapped at one of the booths in back. Me? I was drinking 16 once PBR's.

Well, that's BS but at $3 for a 16 once can who am I to complain?

Go with what you like, but more importantly know what you like. Do I think PBR is a better beer that a Sam? Nope. Does it matter if what I'm after is crisp, cold and cheap. Nope. Think about things a little, it all comes clear if you do. Like Thanksgiving... best... holiday... ever.

The three F's, food, football, and family.

I think a lot of people don't appreciate Thanksgiving enough because their Mom didn't make enough side dishes. Turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes are awesome, but one plate is never enough so I'll try to throw you a couple of my own favorites these next 2 weeks.

Sweet potato hash, for when you are a grownup and putting marshmallow in your food seems like a bad idea.

Break out your cast iron skillet. Go to your fridge and take out the four sweet potatoes you baked off last night. Hey, it was a do ahead while you were making pies. Dice them into 1/2 inch cubes.

1. Cook 2 strips of bacon, Mmm bacon! on medium heat until they are crisp. Drain on a paper towel.
2. Leave the bacon grease in the pan then add 2 tablespoons of butter. Mmm butter!
3. Watch the butter, Mmm butter! when it stops foaming add a diced shallot and a tablespoon of chopped sage.
4. Keep them working for 3 or 4 minutes then add the sweet potatoes.
5. Salt and Pepper now.
6. Give it a couple of good stirs to mix then leave it alone for 5 minutes so it will crisp up.
7. Stir again, then leave again. Crisp is good. Mmmm crisp.
8. Crumple in the bacon, stir and serve.

The whole thing takes 20 minutes if you prep things the night before. Twenty minutes is how long you should let the turkey rest after you take it out of the oven and cover it with foil. Serendipity? One bite and only the most hard assed veggie haters will say no.

Blanc Poubelle Bistro

Pardon my french. Last week I got riled because we can be a huge steaming pile of numbskulls. Too true.  We (excuse me while I paraphrase rip-off my own comments section) love people that make us sad, elect people that steal our money, buy stuff that is a complete fraud, and do the same things over and over expecting that this time the results will be different. Sadly after a little further research I found that we are sort of wired to do those things. Well, Duh! With all due respect to the scientists in the crowd we also can over come those things if we work at them. Your body wants to be fat. If your male your body wants to spread your genetic material to as many places as possible (never sit on my couch without putting down a towel first). If you're a woman once a month your body messes with all kinds of regular chemical processes and can make you sick to boot. Yet the world is full of thin people, there are millions upon millions of faithful men ( as my couch will attest, thank god for Scottish guard), and pretty much every woman I have ever know does not turn into a raging basket case once a month. We beat our biology all the time and with the right kind of effort we can fix our bad thinking, we can admit we're wrong, we can understand risk, calculate probability correctly, embrace new facts, if only we push hard. I do mean hard, it's hard to be thin, it's hard not to sleep with everyone you can, it's hard not to be cranky when your body is flooding your brain with hormones while also making you sick. No one said it was going to be easy.

Because learning has its' ups and downs...

... But you have to wonder about who decided that taking that picture was a better idea than removing the kid from  a bowl of sewage. Ahh internet, you expose the Duh! At our very core. That's why we're going to start with food. Good food is about good cooking. Good cooking is all about methods, it is not about expensive ingredients. Throw a filet mignon into a pot of boiling water and you can eat it but it is going to suck. Pan fry a rack of ribs and you can eat it but it is going to suck. Bake Dover sole without adding fat and you and you can eat it but it is going to suck.  Well, we're going to take some cheap ingredients and make ourselves gourmet breakfast.

Why it's almost not food at all.

You have three basic possible problems when you cook meat. 1) You paid a lot of money for lean and tender. Lean and tender doesn't like too much heat or you get dry and tough. This defeats the purpose of spending the big bucks in the first place. 2) You paid less money for tough and fatty. Tough and fatty needs plenty of alone time with the heat, gentle wet heat, or they stubbornly stay tough and fatty. This defeats the point of trying to save money because suck never makes anyones day. 3) You paid a moderate amount of money for lean and tough. Now you need to use the right prep methods on top of using just the exact right amount of heat or you get Scottish/Irish food and a leg up on trying to stay thin.

Spam is none of the above. It is very fatty which is good for flavor but is very tender because it has been pre-chewed by a machine. Pre-chewed is not appetizing as anyone that has thrown-up instinctively knows.

What? Did you think I would show a picture of vomit?

So moving forward the first thing we need to do is think of a way to restore texture to our pseudo-food. Put your cast iron skillet on medium heat. Take 2 cans of spam. Cut one 12 once slab into 12 1 once slices. Take the other slab and cut it into a 1/4 inch dice. Start with the slices, cook them over medium heat five minutes to a side until they are well browned on both sides. Set aside, don't worry, the stuff is junk. Reheating it won't hurt it. (Note: if you start the slices before the pan is hot the spam will render enough oil to make greasing the pan unnecessary.).) Now check the pan. If it looks dry toss in a couple of tablespoons of butter. Mmm butter! Now crisp up the diced spam. Once the spam is well on its' way to golden brown add a finely chopped onion. When the onion starts to caramelize add another tablespoon of butter. Mmm butter! Then add 2 tablespoons of flour. Stir. You are making a roux. Give it 2 or 3 minutes so the raw flour taste cooks off, then add a cup of whole milk, 2 or 3 shakes of tabasco, and maybe a little chicken broth or water if the sauce looks too gummy. Now you need a base to build a meal.

Grit cakes, if you didn't translate the title you should have realized by now that I am going all Nascar/ white trash on your butts. (White trash is a derogatory term that is not endorsed by the management of this blog).

Make a mess of grits. Actually do this the day before. Follow the directions on the box. Use chicken stock if you are a foodie, use milk if you are a southerner, or use water if you are boring. Eat some of the grits for supper.( a little read sauce, a little parmesan, just call it polenta instead of grits) Take the left-overs, add 8 ounces of shredded jack cheese and 2 tablespoons full of sniped chive. Mix, then spread everything in the bottom of a 13x9 pan. Cover with plastic wrap. Then weigh it down by inserting another pan. Put the whole thing in the fridge.

The next day you will find you can cut and remove slices of the grits aka grit cakes. Dip them in flour, dip them in egg, dip them in seasoned flour (salt, pepper, cayenne). Pan fry them in butter. While they are pan frying paint your browned spam with honey or maple syrup, or molasses, or just dust them in brown sugar. Broil until they just bubble. 1 or 2 minutes. Place a cake on a plate, add a slice of spam, and spoon some of the spam sauce over top. You'll have...

Oh yeah, I almost forgot the egg.

Over very easy would be good, but if you have one of those poaching things that makes perfectly shaped poached eggs that would be even better. More chives or some parsley is also a nice touch, but I was thinking upscale meal with downscale ingredient so how about topping with a quick saute of...

...Leeks. That's the beauty of vegtables. If you eat them in season they are always poor people food because they are always cheap. Poor people have no troubles eating if it's warm and they have access to land and water. Each serving of my gourmet breakfast costs about a $1.50. Dish it up in a fancy restaurant by a celebrity chef who knows to call the grits "grilled polenta," the spam "force meat" and you have yourself a $15 dollar entree.

You're only stupid if you impress yourself by its' cost and not by its' taste... and it will taste good.