Start Slow

Let's face it, you have until next Monday so you want to start slow and build to a big finish. I'm thinking  appetizer,  salad,  pasta, and  dessert. Mmmm dessert! You need to get a good rhythm going so you will need some music. Finally you need a couple of thoughtful gifts. Remember our goal here is to thwart the status quo, so ladies if you want roses, chocolates,  and restaurant food call FTD, grab a snickers bar, and drag your soul crushed significant other to Denny's. He can give you that blood diamond pendent over your grand-slam breakfast. For the rest of you...

Gifts that are not thoughtful:

1. Gift certificates, extra points off if they are for Home Depot or Market Basket.
2. Appliances, points off for x-boxes
3. Trampy undergarments, points off for pre-existing holes
4. Mix tapes, points off because you picked your songs not her songs you dope.
5. Toys that are self-heating, self-cleaning, or self-lubricating. Points off if they buzz.
6. Roses (everybody gives roses, it's not thoughtful when 60 million other guys are doing the same thing.
7. Box-o-chocolates (see #6)

Now on to the tunes. Start with the classics. No, not Michael Bolton, the real classics, no not Kenny G, just slow down and let me blog. Duh! I'm talking about the real classics, so we start with Tchaikovsky. Music that is lush, warm, soulful. Music that takes its' time. Remember we're starting slow and easy, then aiming for a big finish.


I know, corny. So corny you could steal it and...



That Walt, he was a thieving bastard, but he was also a master manipulator. Bambi's Mom really? Still romance has a wee bit of manipulation to it no? Let's face it you really just want to be playing with that x-box I told you not to buy, so this whole thing is a manipulation anyway. You bought into that whole "You'll get laid thing" Mmmm laid! By the way Walt knew his stuff. Why pay someone to write romantic stuff when someone else, someone brilliant,  already has? Only steal from the best.



Old school romantic. Gotta love the trumpet bridge at about 2 and a half minutes. If she's not dazzled by these tunes we'll be getting more modern as the week goes by, but I have to say, if she wants Celine Dion, just walk away. If you want Celine Dion seek help. There is good corny. That would be sincere corny, honest corny. If Celine Dion mated with Kenny G all sincerity would drain from our world and we could never love again.  Now we need something to put on the table.

Shrimp: Update a classic.

Valentines Week/Gender Roles/Man Crying

Nothing says love like an artificially generated marketing ploy designed specifically to sell product. That doesn't mean it didn't turn into a good idea. The folks in the boardroom force feed us stuff all the time. You can try rejecting it out of hand. Do that often enough and you end up so far outside the mainstream of society that you end up fat and alone pouring out sorry rants into your computer. Don't be that person.  The trick is to turn things on their head. Sure it is a fake holiday, sure it is going to cost you money, but you can definitely deny the big 3 (card, flower, chocolate industries) their profits.

Valentines day is also a girl holiday. I know, I know,  I'm a misogynist, but that doesn't change the fact that woman love Valentines day for its' spirit while men only like it because they can get laid if they preform the right set of tricks. Mmmmm laid! So, if we are going to subvert our corporate masters we must find a whole knew approach to Valentines day. We have a week so let's get started.

No, no, no, no! Getting woman to be more like men, or men to be more like women is not the answer. We want to enjoy Valentines day, not give it a feminist makeover. Feminism gave women a lot of deserved opportunity, it also gave women double the responsibilities, it also had unfortunate consequences. For example, in post feminist society there is Oprah, Dr Phil, getting in touch with your feelings, getting in touch with your inner child  and this...



The dreaded scourge of man crying. Now this post isn't to pick on Boehner. Man Crying has over-run our society as we all get in touch with our feelings. (Thank you sixties counter-culture as well)





I was going to show you Clinton crying too, but all the video I could find was of fake crying which is probably worse. That means man crying has so engrained it self in our society that there are times when not crying is going to cost you points.