No Cute Dogs.

I was depressed these last two weeks. My post from the 11th got more readers than any other post I have ever done. Now I don't want to seem like a crybaby, but I try to create pithy political commentary, I try to share my love of good food+ an occasional recipe, I want to remind you of neglected music or interesting art, I hope that sometimes you say, "I never thought about things that way before," and sometimes I hope you laugh at least a little bit. Fine. " Hey, look at me! I'm blogging! People are reading stuff I write! I must be more important than I thought!" Then along comes a post that just happened to have a cute dog picture up front and suddenly I double my readership over night. Well, I have news for you people there ain't going to be any cats that haz cheezbergurs. No memes of any kind. (Well maybe duct tapped babies) And just so you know I'm not fooling around...

Cute pictures my ass!

How you liking me now? I am a serious blogger and not some-one to be trifaled with. That YouTube video "cat falling off a TV"? I just replaced it with a video of a TV falling off a cat. Messy! Now you might be wondering "What's up with fat boy? Why so cranky?" I guess it could be about the Supreme Court deciding that cops can do full cavity searchs for things like traffic violations...

Come here America!

...or maybe I have been thinking too long about the "Stand your ground law" in Florida. If you keep giving someone a wet willy until they justifibly try to beat you to death can you then execute them in self defense? Is gunning down an unarmed teenager less of a crime if it wasn't racially motavated? Do you really think anything like actual justice will occur if someone is finally arrested only after massive media attention? It seems like there are at least 10 black panthers in this country, should I be as worried as Fox News wants me to be...

You heard me! Drop the twizzlers!

... or maybe I'm not cranky at all, maybe it is just the ridiculous hours that I , and every other American,  are working just to make ends meet. Then when the ends meet there are suddenly more ends. Plus you can't even complain, you have to make a half smile and say "Well at least I've got a job"...

More rocks please.

... or maybe you don't have a job, but you live in Massachucetts where Romney care forces you to buy insurance just like Obama care does. Then you go to pay your taxes and you find out that all that COBRA money you paid to comply with the law (I would have paid it anyway, wouldn't want to ruin Mom's retirement with unforscene problems from ingesting butter, Mmmm butter, every day) can not be used as pre-tax medical like if your employer was providing healthcare. Mitt gets a 12% effective rate on his taxes but a blue collar guy who switches jobs gets punished with 3 or 4 hundred dollars in extra taxes.(2 monthes unemployed 6 months job swapping for a total of 8 months COBRA at $550 per month for a post tax dollar amount of $4400. All of it income that wasa taxed at a  rate  around 20%). Of coarse if you don't buy a plan there is a tax penalty so get your citizen on... is it better to be punished for doing the right thing or for breaking the law? Maybe I should have been flipping insurance and pharmacitical stock. After all if the Supremes do there thing Obamacare is done, if the Supremes don't do their thing the health care industry gets 40 million compulsory new customers. They're bitching about 40 million people being forced to buy their product, really?...

Free markets, what could go wrong?

... tut, tut, with your nonsensical socialist talk, because that is exactly what socialism is, individuals forced to buy the products of private companies...

They're laughing at us.

Whenever my head gets to spinning I need a really, really good sandwich. Something comforting. Something southern comforting. Like Kentucky's hot brown.

I'm not a dumbass:(  I just worship the food network.

To make a hot brown you will need left over turkey, bacon, Mmmm bacon, good bread( if all you have is shitty bread why make a sandwich at all) a tomato, and mornay sauce.

1. Cook several strips of bacon, Mmm bacon, in a cast iron skillet.
2. When the bacon, Mmmm bacon, is crisp drain it on paper towels.
3. Return the skillet to the stove and either add or subtract enough fat to make 2 tablespoons. If adding butter, Mmm butter, would be nice.  
4. Whisk in 3 tablespoons of flour. Let it cook for a minute so the flour taste is gone.
5. Add 2 cups of milk. Keep whisking.
6. As it thickens add salt, pepper, and a little cayenne.
7. Add grated cheese, smoked gouda and some parmesan would be nice, or maybe some mortzarella and cheddar. Perhaps a nice gorgonzola either solo or with Romano. Go nuts, it's your sandwich.
8. Pour out the mornay sauce, in a bowl stupid, and wipe out the skillet.
9. Add your bread,then your turkey, then your bacon, Mmmm bacon, then thick tomato slices, then the mornay sauce, then more shredded cheese.
10. Run the whole thing under the broiler until it is all bubbly, melty goodness.
11. Top with more bacon, Mmm bacon.
12. Fresh ground pepper would also be a plus.

I feel better already.

I Had to Change the Title

This was going to be my Easter post. No pop culture, no politics, no crabbing, no grumpy old man stuff. I had cute pictures all ready to go, a great recipe for Sunday dinner, and one of my patented "It ain't so bad/enjoy your blessings" themes. Then work happened. It happened in the day, afternoon, and evening. It happened Friday night. It happened on the weekend. It almost happened on Easter Sunday. It happened so long and so hard that I had to do the smell test on my clothes Saturday for the first time since I've been out of collage. (If you have to do the smell test on your clothes a grown up knows it's already too late for your reputation and your dignity.)

Oh my God Man! At least have mercy on the rest of us!

 Then as this week unfolded I figured I'd have time to blog up, do a wash, exercise (speedo worthy by June, What? It could happen) and cook that Easter meal I promised my Mom. Then work happened. It happened in the day, afternoon, and evening. It's going to happen Friday night. It will happen this coming weekend. It's happening so long and so hard that by Sunday after Easter Sunday my Condo won't pass the smell test. I can't serve dinner here. Disappointing kids is not cool, letting down your better half is a shame, screwing the pooch when your friends are counting on you is for losers, but disappointing an 80 year old Mom is...? Don't say it.

I am sooo sorry Mom.

Then I realized that My Mom loves me no matter what. That the reason she is disappointed is because she really, really wants to see me. Wow, I have a fan. I love having a fan. I realized it wasn't about going to see her on Easter, it was about going to see her period. Cooking a fancy Easter supper ( and I can promise you it was going to be awesome!) is fine, but for Mom my time was the most important gift. Gift? She cleaned me every day until I was old enough to stop crapping myself. She put me to bed and made me ginger-ale and cinnamon toast after I blew lunch on her favorite chair( I was a very young 23). When I was 8 and had watched too much creature feature on Saturday night all 5'2" of her protected me from Frankenstein. A gift of my time? I don't have enough time to make things even. Still I guess I'm driving to VT this Sunday whether  I'm tired or not.

Big holidays, expensive gifts, fancy vacations... wouldn't our better halves, wouldn't our kids, wouldn't our brothers and sisters, wouldn't our Moms just prefer our time? Or I guess you could go with a fresh ham!

Hey, even if I missed Easter I still need to cook it.

You can find fresh ham in the regular super market. Maybe. You skip the section where the real hams are displayed and find the bin where all the odd sketchy bits of pork are stored. It'll look like a roast beef gone bad with a bone sticking out of it. The package will probably say picinic ham. It is not a pork butt which, while delicious, is not Eastery and requires very different cooking methods. A good butcher will let you order a fresh ham because that is what good butchers do. Find both, a fresh ham and a good butcher.

1. Remove the ham from the package, yes that is skin covering the ham. Cracklings my friend, cracklings.
2. Take a razor knife and score the skin in a cross hatch pattern. Do not cut through the under lying fat into the meat.
3. Now remove the leaves from 4 or 5 sprigs of rosemary and chop it fine.
4. 2 sage leaves chopped fine would be an excellent addition.
5. 4 or 5 cloves of garlic. Chop them fine. Add salt, then chop again. Crush with the broad side of the knife then chop again. Keep going until you have a paste.
6. Add the chopped herds and chop/crush again.
7. Mix the whole mess with half a stick of unsalted butter, Mmmm butter!
8. Smear it all over the ham working it into the cross hatching.
9. Refrigerate over night.
10. Pull the ham out of the fridge and let it rest at room temperature for 30 minutes.
11. Heat the oven to 500 degrees.
12. Place the ham on a rack in a roasting pan. You want something deep to catch the rendered fat.
13. Give it 20 minutes at 500 degrees then immediately turn the oven down to 300 degrees.
14. 2 Hours should be enough, but this is a fatty cut of meat and you really can't hurt it by going longer.
15. Take it out of the oven and let it rest before carving.
16. Fight over the cracklings.

I would serve this with roasted asparagus, grilled polenta with wild mushroom ragu, and a biscuit shortcake with real whipped cream. The whole thing will taste like spring.