Too Late Smart

I often lead off this blog with some clever quote punched with colorful framing images from the Internet . Because... colorful? I often lead off this blog with a quick hit concerning the politics of the day. Because...current? I often end this blog with a recipe which I have somehow forcibly joined to my political point. Because... Mmmm food? I often scatter this blog with amusing pictures that I have skimmed from the Internet. Because... yeah theft? I often write this blog so I can feel heard. Because... I'm important? Well, clever quotes aren't truth, politics is where smart goes to die, theft is nothing to be proud of unless you are Robin Hood or an investment banker, and I'm just as important (i.e. not at all) as the other 7 billion of you taking up space on this earth. Food? Mmmm food... but you can get better recipes and cooking tips at other sites so you don't need me. Truth be told despite over 50 of you being regular readers this whole activities real value is keeping me out of bars and off of dating sites. No, don't listen to him, move along, move along... nothing to see here. Unless...

Wiener dogs should get more Internet love than cats. They just should.

...I start writing about things that I actually experience. For example I woke up recently realizing that I was too soon old. Isn't everyone? Do you think that there is anyone out there besides little kids breathlessly hoping to be older sooner? And too late smart? What about never smart? What if you speed right to old then never get smart? What if you are just some crinkled up old dope that can't even find his own butt in a dark closet? That's it! a blog about where my butt is... but I closed my eyes and still managed to find my butt, article ruined. So, of all the things that are breaking down as I age the damage doesn't yet include my body sense. What they do include is...

Eye booger, say something or let it slide?

...eye boogers. Suddenly I'm sitting around the house minding my own business when I realize that I have eye boogers. At least the hair growing out of my ears is free of slime, but then there is the nose hair... and eye boogers? God almighty do I gag the people around me? I mean it's bad enough when someone casually hands you a tissue because your nose is misbehaving but I don't think people even dare with eye boogers. You hand some poor old bastard like myself a tissue and I'm going for the nose even if I don't feel anything... then you'll have to redirect me to my eye?! Why does this happen? It's almost like after years off abuse my body has decided I need to be punished...

There they are! Some mornings finding them is like looking for a child lost in a crowd. Panic doesn't help but...

...why else has it moved my feet further away from hands? There was a time when my feet were at arms length. This came in really handy when I was doing that daily sox/shoe thing... which I still have to do even though my feet were moved further towards the floor. So there I am, in my bed room, eyes full of unnatural goo, deaf from ear hair wrestling with my MIA feet when I realize...

Yep, and it hurts every day.

... Oh my God! my butt is going rouge. "No, no, no I'll get to you after I put my socks on." Like your butt is going to listen to your voice once the direct line from your brain has been severed by age. My only option is to drop the socks and make a run for it... ah, made it...

"Oh come on!"

... worst of all if you are male is that a modern American bathroom is only equipped to work in one direction at a time. It's like Sophie's Choice except with sewage. And you are old now so nothing can actually be aimed with any effectiveness. Did I mention that all of this, except for they eye boogers, is happening during sever physical distress?

Three weeks ago I went to work feeling fine, nothing happened, and I came home with a knee that hurt so bad I was sure I needed a hospital. Did I go to the hospital? Of coarse not. First of all I am not getting old I'm just sore. It was my knee a few weeks ago next time it will be my shoulder or my hip. Second; nobody, not even doctors, sometimes especially doctors, believes you when you tell them you are in unbearable pain unless your leg is shot off and you gimp to their office on the stump. My job requires a lot of walking. If I make too much of a howl about how I can't walk the people that write my checks will stop doing so. The workman's comp people don't even know me and I know they will think I'm lying...How? Because almost everyone else thinks you are lying...

It's amazing how the medical professions beside manner changes when you are butting up against an insurance claim.

... 12 years ago I was run down by a car. If I wear shorts it is obvious that my right leg looks like meatloaf severely hampering my ability to mack on the ladies when I'm in my speedo. Woman do not like you to look like the elephant man no matter how many times they say it's what's inside that counts. What if the insides are oozing to the outsides? Every doctor I go to, and I have been to quite a few, says pretty much "Get over it". So while I schlepped around looking for relief from my imaginary pain I have powered through 12 years of walking miles and miles a day.12 years! See, I was wrong and the doctors and insurance people were right. The debilitating pain was a figment of my imagination.  So now there is a new pain that I expect them to believe in just because I'm old? I would be better off getting a new job with out all the walking, but I am old, where in office/non-walking skills I am behind the tech curve...

My life as a green ball, bummer.

... which is extra bad as you get old because you already need too much money to pay your bills and nobody wants to give you 60 grand a year when there are high school freshman that understand computers better than you do. I'm not one of those Luddite anti-tech meat heads either it's just that there is a whole generation entering the workforce that speaks tech. They just know how to use the stuff. Me? I have to buy all the "...For Dummies" books then hope I'm not mocked by a kindergarten class full of kids with blue-ray smart phone tablets. Getting old doesn't mean I can't become intuitive with modern devises, but even if I do I'm still a barefoot, creaky, pain-wracked oldster covered in pee, crap, and boogers. Not exactly the face of the company there.

So, what to do? What to do? Shut up, toughen up, and keep on trucking. What else is there? Not everything is broken. For example, I still don't need Viagra. Granted it tends to be a solo activity when you are covered in pee, crap, and boogers but hey it's something to build on...

Really God? Really?