Having a Blue Blue Christmas

Christmas is the big Kahuna of holidays. A glorious mash-up of commerce, religion, and family that is only slightly less over the top than a gay pride parade through the middle of the Las Vegas strip. The war on Christmas? A secular-humanist attempt to destroy Christianity, or a corporate attempt to open the wallets of the non-christen rubes to the joys of (ahem) giving? Discuss among yourselves. Still there is also a downside to Christmas. You can feel it don't you? That slight nag in some back corner of your mind that not all is right with the world? Other holidays are pretty straight forward, at Thanksgiving you give thanks for what you have, on the 4th you celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence, on Memorial Day you remember those that died for our country, on Labor Day you get a hard earned day off, on New Years you say out with the old and in with the new, but Christmas... well they made it about giving. That's fine as far as it goes, but the corollary is that it is also becomes about "getting". Suddenly the things you don't have loom large. Spouse in Afghanistan? No heat in the apartment? Can't buy presents for the kids? Hell, do you need a hundred other things for the kids besides toys? Are you hungry? Alone? Just out of faith? Out of hope?

...without you!

That nag in the back corner of your mind? That's your soul telling you that things are out of control. That's your rational self wondering why you and your wife buy each other presents from your joint checking account when you're worried about money the rest of the year. That's your heart exclaiming "It's not a gift if you have to give it". That's your sartorial self wondering "Really? Another sweater?". Don't despair. The voice, the wondering, the exclaiming are all true. So what. The blue part of Christmas is what makes us great. A person that can wallow in excess and never worry or doubt isn't really a person at all.

Why they would probably ruin this beloved classic by making it into a loud special effects laden movie starring a latex covered Jim Carry.

Well, I have your back on this one. If you need more cognitive dissonance in order to become a better more evolved person that doesn't forget the poor and lonely during your hedonistic romp through Americas shopping venues I have just the recipe for you.

Standing rib roast, prime rib, short rib, butchers give it different names in different parts of the country. You want a 6 or 8 bone rib roast from the loin end of the cut. (If you don't know a butcher that you can trust to provide this item for you become a vegetarian.) Have the butcher bone the roast for you but make sure you keep the rack of ribs? Buy some butchers twine on the way out.

1. Pre-heat the oven to 375 degrees.
2. Let the roast and the bones stand on the counter for 45 minutes.
3. Liberally salt and pepper the roast and bones.
4. Fine chop 3 or 4 cloves of garlic and a tablespoon or 2 of rosemary leaves.
5. Keep running the knife threw the garlic and herb until you get almost a paste.
6. Slather the paste on the side of the ribs that would have been attached to the roast.
7. Attach the roast to the slathered ribs using the butchers twine.
8. The roast goes in a roasting pan ( of course a roasting pan, duh)! Ribs down.
9. Put it in the oven for 1 hour. Do not open the door!
10. Turn off the heat. Leave the roast in for 3 hours more. Do not open the door!
11. Turn the oven back on to 375 degrees. Do not open the door!
12. Did I mention to NOT OPEN THE DOOR!
13. After 30 minutes you should check the internal temperature of the roast with an instant read thermometer. You're going for 145 degrees. 
14. If the temperature is right put the roast on a cutting board to rest for ten minutes.
15. Turn on the broiler.
16. Deglaze the pan with a nice dry red wine.
17. Defat the deglazing liquid
18. Cut the twine and return the ribs to the pan. Broil for 3 minutes on each side.
19. Slice the meat.
20. Take the ribs out and separate between the bones.
21. Boil the deglazing liquid and serve as a jus with a horseradish sauce, or add it to a roux with some beef broth ( homemade if you have it but store bought won't offend me) for a voule(gravy).
22. Your oven has been out of commission all day so serve this with mashed potatoes, glazed carrots,  creamed spinach, and the best bread your local bakery can produce.

Now that you have eaten a meal that would make a dead man hard it's time to consider how you can live up to that voice in your head. The world is not a horrible place, but it is often sadder and crueler than it has to be. You have your work cut out for you.

Flipping Burgers.

Thanksgiving week got really interesting for the Occupy Wall Street movement. It seems that when it comes to peaceful protest being a damn dirty hippy drenched in patula oil and a smug sense of entitlement is way worse than being a fat, talk radio loving, dumb-ass sitting in a lawn chair while dressed like Paul Revere. All I have to say is in Occupy, 20 years old to 30 years old, in the Tea Party, 40 years old to 60 years old. Why is every protest an attempt to annoy the rest of us? I beat a dead horse a while ago so I have no problem doing it again,  the NRA is bat-shit crazy and they get everything they want from the comfort of their living-rooms. So why so many in the streets playing dress-up? "Child is father of the man". What? it's Wordsworth. Honest. Education is an important thing isn't it? And we educate ourselves don't we?

My heart leaps up when I behold 

   A rainbow in the sky:

So was it when my life began; 

So is it now I am a man; 

So be it when I shall grow old, 

   Or let me die!

The Child is father of the Man;

And I could wish my days to be

Bound each to each by natural piety.

Good stuff. The heart leaps for rainbows, it also leaps when there are dragons to slay whether they be Muslim Kenyan presidents or joblessness combined with crushing student loans. Compare the two types of dragons suggested here and then guess the group embracing which point of view needs to be restrained.

Not them! The damn dirty hippies!

If you have been reading this blog you know I am not particularly impressed with Occupy, but the Tea Party makes me vomit. I'll take dumb, idealistic, and nice over mean and soul dead every time. The sad thing is that both groups have legitimate gripes about our sovereign class. Rich people partnered with our government  rob the crap out of us every week. We get just enough to keep us begging for more, but not so little that we have nothing to lose with a revolt. Plus a face full of pepper spray will remind all participants that things may be bad but they can quickly get worse.  Mmmm pepper spray!

Besides, what did the 50 somethings tell the 20 somethings? "Study and go to collage, or you'll end up flipping burgers". Now after the kids took them up on that proposition, spent 4 years of their lives studying (unless you are a radio talk show host, or a pretend liberal columnist for the New York Times you realize that most people that have degrees did in fact work for them) and put themselves in debt to the tune of $50,000 to $150,000 dollars they are out flipping burgers. Mmmm burgers! Hold the catsup, I'll have pepper spray. Why the hell are they angry?

WTF! I'm flipping burgers!

So what do we have to learn from all this. Wait for it. Fat boy is going sideways here again... Well, 1) people that are out flipping burgers, or cleaning toilets, or cutting grass, should be ashamed of themselves. Losers! Those jobs are why we have illegal aliens 2) A collage education has no real value unless it gets you a job. Learning? Meh! I need money for Black Friday, Walmart is selling 3 sixty inch flat screens for $200 and I want me one.

Run away! Run away! They think we're with Occupy Wall Street!

So, to sum up, in America you better go to collage no matter what, collage entitles you to a job, a job where you make enough dinero to buy a flat-screen TV, if you don't get that job the flat-screen, or in real life an x-box, is something to use pepper spray on a crowd for, because promises were made damn it, and what kind of pointy headed loser learns things for fun or enrichment? America, What could possibly go wrong with a value set like that? At least we have burgers! Mmm, burgers!

It takes so little to live a happy life

Hamburgers are simple. Use meat with at least 20% fat. That's it, any ratio that's lower than that is going to be dry and tasteless by the time you are done. Do not use hamburger buns, they suck, but also do not use exotic rolls or breads. The roll should be fresh and soft; like a bulkie or a kaiser roll. Toasted white bread is also fine. Do not over work the meat when you form the patty. A one pound package is perfect, divide into forths, flatten with your palm, leave the edges square. Charcoal outside, cast iron skillet inside, make 'em hot. Salt and pepper your burgers, one minute, flip, one minute, flip, one minute, flip, one minute, flip, one minute, flip, add cheese now, one minute done medium rare yeah! 2 more flips get you to medium, 2 more after that get you to medium well, 2 more to (yuck) well. Dummy, the cheese is only after the last flip.

Christmas is coming. Can I just do Thanksgiving again?