I miss Tim Tebow.

It was all so simple then.

Tim Tebow was just a big goofy linebacker looking quarterback that seemed to have Jesus on his side. Either you believed it was true, believed it was true but didn't think Jesus helped rig football games, or knew it was nonsense. Even the serious stomping at the hands of the Patriots probably didn't change one mind on the subject. It was a non-story sports story with a shelf life and no harm no foul. Even if you were part of the nonsense crew you probably had to admit that Tebow seemed to be a fine young man that you would want to date your daughter. Ah early January, the good old days.

I speak truth to power!

Last week Tim Tomas snubbed the White House and President Obama when the Bruins were invited to visit as part of their Stanley Cup victory tour. Cue the usual mindless uproar. " He wouldn't have done that to Bush" "Can you imagine if a liberal had done that to a conservative president?" "At least respect the office". Blah, blah, blah. Who cares what Tim Tomas does? Tim Tomas, liberals, conservatives, jews, Nascar fans, Hell's Angels, scientologists, left handed fry cooks, effete eastern eggheads, CEOs, strippers, one legged place kickers, hell, everybody has the right to do all the snubbing they want. This is America baby. Land of the free where rugged individualists take no guff from anyone, where speaking truth to power is embedded in our genes, where doing only what we want when we want is a constitutional birth right not to be trifled with, I heard it on talk radio.

Which is our problem in a nutshell. There are 20 people on a hockey team. There were twenty players plus other personal invited to the White House. You want to make a political point by snubbing the President fire away. I'll back you with my last breath and I don't care if you are a liberal, a conservative or a nazi ( although nazi's being invited to the White House would give me pause). On the other hand if you want to make a political point, or even just make everybodies day about you because "Hey, look at me I'm blowing off the president," you are taking a big dump on your teammates special day and I think you're a selfish, over privileged jackass. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and do stuff you don't want to do because other people want you to. Our divorce rate would be 100% if there was no sucking. The divorce rate would plummet to 0% if there was plenty of sucking. So think about some one other than yourself and suck it up once and awhile.

Other selfish, over privileged jackass' would include Larry Bird, Manny Rameriaz, James Harrison, Michael Jordan, Dan Hampton, Mark Chumora ( blew off Clinton because Clinton was immoral, was later arrested for sleeping with the underaged friend of his daughter), but it doesn't stop there,  snubbing is a fine American tradition. William Lowell, Ex-President Herbert Hoover, William Faulkner, Angelina Jolie, Susan Boyle, Jesse Helms, John Bonher ( 3 different times) are all snubbers found with a quick google search. Doing it is your right, so is farting in public, but I'm thinking maybe things would be a little better if we refrained from both.

Look's like cheating to me.

Meanwhile the NFL gave us the usual "we didn't lose we got screwed" crap that I hear year after year. For a bunch of macho, 300lb, roid-raging he-men these guys seem to have an awful hard time admitting that they just lost. Take away the blow-outs where whining that you should have won just makes you look really stupid and I dare anyone to listen to an NFL post game interview where someone doesn't bitch about the officiating or the other team. Well, I guess the Pat's have cheated themselves to yet another Super Bowl so screw it, let's forget about our nation of crybabies, snubbers, and self indulgent big-shots and party like it's Armageddon. Mmm Armageddon!

01/26/11: Before I do the recipe I would like to mention that when I started to write about blowing off the White house 2 days ago, the media, the talking heads, and the public were in standard discourse mode.

Funny thing though, almost everyone except the really partisan donkeys pretty much came around to my point of view. So deep breaths people, take your time, don't break your neck jumping to a conclusion ( that includes the fat boy writting this) just because the media speedballs a story. Sometimes I think I'm the only right thinking person in this world. Apparently not. Shame on me.

Now the best cure for shame would be some football and some sliders.

.or just some sliders.

Slider 1: Beef
              You will need 12 diner rolls, an onion, 1 lb. of ground beef, butter, Mmm butter! flour, milk, cheese+ slices of more cheese (any kind of cheese will be fine, but maybe a nice smoked gouda would be better).

1. Split the dinner rolls then line them up on a jelly roll pan that has been lined with foil.
2. Brown the beef (salt and pepper here please) in a cast iron skillet. Once all the pink is gone remove to a bowl.
3. Dice the onion small, then run your knife threw it a couple of times to really shred it small.
4. Melt 2 tablespoons of butter, Mmm butter! in the skillet. When it foams add the onion.
5. Cook for 2 or 3 minutes then add the flour. Cook stirring constantly for 3 or 4 more minutes.
6. Add 1 cup of milk and stir, It should be thick.
7. Pour the béchamel into the bowl of meat. Mix well.
8. Add at least 8 ounces of shredded cheese ( you did shred the cheese right?) Mix well.
9. Slap a glob of the meat mixture on each roll bottom.
10. Add a slice of cheese on top.
11. Cover with the roll tops.
12. Then cover the whole thing with foil. Bake at 350 degrees for twenty minutes.

Slider 2: Mushroom

              You will need 12 diner rolls, an onion, 2 lb. of mushrooms, fresh thyme, butter, Mmm butter! flour, milk, cheese+ slices of more cheese (any kind of cheese will be fine, but maybe a nice swiss would be better).

1. Split the dinner rolls then line them up on a jelly roll pan that has been lined with foil.
2. Saute the mushrooms in butter (salt and pepper here please) in a cast iron skillet. Once all the pink is gone remove to a bowl.
3. Dice the onion small, then run your knife threw it a couple of times to really shred it small.
4. Chop a tablespoon of fresh thyme.
5. Melt 2 tablespoons of butter, Mmm butter! in the skillet. When it foams add the onion+thyme.
6. Cook for 2 or 3 minutes then add the flour. Cook stirring constantly for 3 or 4 more minutes.
7. Add 1 cup of milk and stir, It should be thick.
8. Pour the béchamel into the bowl of meat. Mix well.
9. Add at least 8 ounces of shredded cheese ( you did shred the cheese right?) Mix well.
10. Slap a glob of the mushroom mixture on each roll bottom.
11. Add a slice of cheese on top.
12. Cover with the roll tops.
13. Then cover the whole thing with foil. Bake at 350 degrees for twenty minutes.

Slider 3: Chicken

You will need 12 diner rolls, an onion, two chiles(any kind will do, you know your heat tolerance), 1 lb. of boneless chicken, butter, Mmm butter! flour, cheese+ slices of more cheese (any kind of cheese will be fine, but maybe a nice pepper jack would be better).

1. Split the dinner rolls then line them up on a jelly roll pan that has been lined with foil.
2. Poach the chicken in a sauce pan. Once all the pink is gone shred and remove to a bowl.
3. Dice the onion small, then run your knife threw it a couple of times to really shred it small.
4. Dice the chiles the same way.
5. Melt 2 tablespoons of butter, Mmm butter! in the skillet. When it foams add the onion+chiles.
6. Cook for 2 or 3 minutes then add the flour. Cook stirring constantly for 3 or 4 more minutes.
7. Add 1 cup of the poaching liquid and stir, It should be thick.
8. Pour the voule into the bowl of meat. Mix well.
9. Add at least 8 ounces of shredded cheese ( you did shred the cheese right?) Mix well.
10. Slap a glob of the meat mixture on each roll bottom.
11. Add a slice of cheese on top.
12. Cover with the roll tops.
13. Then cover the whole thing with foil. Bake at 350 degrees for twenty minutes.

These things are going to steam in the oven a little bit so they are going to be damp like a White Castle slider. If that is not your thing cut the time under the foil in half and give the sliders 10 minutes in the oven uncovered. Go Pats!

Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Wow, I was so busy with the holidays, vampire love, disgusting recipes that no one will ever make, and the search for pigs blood that I almost forgot about our first ever 2012 primary. (not to be confused with our first ever 2012 caucus). That would be tomorrow for you New Hampshire folks. So get out and vote. Here are your choices ( unless you are a democrat in which case I would spend the day quietly weeping about the very real possibility that one of these guys could actually beat Obama).

Mitt, probably the most likely to beat Obama in the general election. Why? Because under the veneer of right wingnuttery that he is currently hiding behind lurks a corporate centrist that will say and do anything to get elected. Republicans may not like this guy but conservative white guys and soccer Mom's with a stick up their butt are just waiting to vote for him in the general election.

 Serial adulterer, took tax exempt status on a politically motivated coarse he taught resulting in ethics sanctions from the house, earned more sanctions by feeding house investigators false information, took huge payout from Freddie Mac as a consultant then tried to blame same for the housing crash, got a 4.5 million dollar payout from Murdoch's News core for his book. Looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy if the Pillsbury Doughboy was left on a windowsill for too long.

The religious rights current flavor of the week after Bachman and Perry proved to be too stupid to live. Mr Santorum has compared gay marriage to bestiality. Does not believe in evolution. Wrote an article blaming the Catholic child abuse scandal on liberals. Does not like the libertarian side of the Republican party.

Ron Paul is easily the most honest and consistent of any candidate currently hoping to win the 2012 presidential election. That includes Obama. He is the hard core libertarian that scares Santorum. No foreign wars, no drug laws, no universal health care, no stopping states from enacting jim crow laws. Somehow he is still against abortion though, but Gays can marry as long as their state (Ron is a big "states rights" guy) makes it legal. Had a newsletter under his name that was openly racist.

If George W. Bush was stupider and meaner he would be Rick Perry. Done but too stupid to know it.

If the Republicans had half a brain this guy would be the front runner. Looks the part, smart, conservative without being a closet fascist like Santorum or wacky like Paul, Huntsman could probably have even more luck with the vast undeclared voters in this country than flip flopping Mitch. So there is no chance the Republican base will vote for him. Sometimes you feel like a nut!

It's the Republican party in food form!

So Christmas is over. No more baking, no more parties. What do you do with the left over nuts? They won't keep until next Christmas. Mmmm?

1. Take a large cast iron skillet and heat it on medium heat.
2. Add half a stick of butter. Mmmm butter!
3. When the butter is melted and no longer foaming add whatever nuts you have lying around the house. Peanuts from a cocktail party? throw them in there. Walnuts or pecans from baking? in they go. Macadamia nuts Aunt Margie sent from her Hawaiian vacation? add them to the pan.
4. Stir the nuts around until they are coated with the butter Mmmm butter! and you can smell the nutty goodness.
5. Add half a jar of honey. Keep stirring. Honey has water in it, butter Mmmm butter! has water in it, we want the water gone so keep things moving and watch for the pan to go dry.
6. Add several good squirts of hot sauce. I like Sriracha because it is already sweet, but tabasco is always a good choice too.
7. Stir until well mixed and there is no trace of the hot sauce.
8. Dump them out on some no stick foil or wax paper in a single layer to cool. They will be sticky until they set so add a good sprinkle of sea or kosher salt right away.
9. Patriots/Broncos this Saturday night. Have a Bud or 3 and the best damn nuts ever.

Explain this to Me.

I bet you all thought that my long winter break would end with the Iowa caucus results. After all more than 100,000 people took the time to caucus last week, that's almost a half a percent of eligible voters in the United States. Sadly I cannot comment on the Iowa caucus because if I do the ratio of people commenting (mainstream media) on the significance of a statistically insignificant event which will have no more importance to the future of this country than will the status of my hemorrhoids will finally tip our pop culture oriented brains past the point where they will ever be able to discern actual game changing actions ever again. Stripped of our ability to separate important information from worthless buffoonery you would see a sudden dominance of news concerning celebrity scandals, random but horrific crimes, talk radio pet peeves, and straw-man enemies that are no threat to the safety and well being of anyone. I couldn't let that happen so the Iowa caucus will have to wait.

Instead this past weekend has found me reeling after coming face to face with something so foul...so wrong headed... so outside my frame of reference I need help just understanding how so many people could fantasize about...Vampire love?

Feminists arise before it is too late.

I thought I dodged this bullet over the Thanksgiving weekend when my nephew wanted to go, but without going into detail I was forced to actually watch this soul destroying piece of pop culture just this past Sunday.

I had to wear it or I would have torn out my own eyes!

I never read any of the books nor had I seen any of the movies until Sunday. I was a lucky man unaware of just how blessed he really was. All I can say is if this a common woman's fantasy the feminist movement has some work cut out for themselves. As far as I can tell the saga must have started with the twitchy rubber-band girl from the Breakfast Club having a twitchy passive daughter.

When I was a girl we didn't have shiny vampire dudes we just had snorkel coats, a Sheen brother,  and crystal meth.

The movie starts with a girlgasmic wedding scene because getting married in as expensive a way as possible is super important for girls. This is followed by super rough PG-13 virginal wedding night sex because the wedding night is supposed to be special and nothing says special like a 109 year old dude ( How is that not incredibly creepy by itself?) power slamming his teen bride around a fabulous super expensive honeymoon suite. Twitchy girl is not a vampire yet for reasons I don't know so she's all banged up after the wedding night and I mean contusions not sexually satisfied. There were bruises every which way because I guess love hurts.

That's not the vampire Dude from the movie, that's your daughters husband if she tries to live out this movie fantasy.

Anyway twitchy girl gets immediately pregnant which leads to a vampire human hybrid baby trying to chew its' way out of mommy from the inside. I mean what else did they expect from a vampire human hybrid baby? So the only way to save mommy is to vamp her, but that would kill the hybrid baby so it was time to insert an anti-abortion message here, because after you have been impregnated from humping a 109 year old dead guy certain moral lines cannot be crossed. It was just like Juno only without the snappy dialogue, cool alt-rock sound track and the hamburger phone and if Juno was being killed by the disturbing undead thing inside of her.

... but Dad, he's only been dead for 90 years.

Now remember that this is a movie for tween girls, their moms, and people as pathetic as myself so right about now is when the werewolves show up to kill the hybrid baby. Bad werewolves, bad bad werewolves! What did I do with my rolled up newspaper? Why would you want to kill an innocent, totally new species of mommy eating vampire/humane hybrid baby? Bad, bad werewolves!

I guess I should just go with the flow on ( really bad pun, sorry, very sorry) this one but sexy vampire love keeps popping up in many of our entertainments. there is...

Randy r-rated vampire love with a homo-erotic subtext.

True Blood on HBO where the ladies love their vamp men because they're " good to me" despite past incarnations as murdering serial killers and the occasional slip in the present.

Hot girls for the guys, hot vampires for the girls. The ladies and gay people really seem to love vampires.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer where the ladies love their vamp men "when their souls are in place" despite past activities as murdering serial killers and the occasional slip in the present.

Why do all Vampire dudes look like Eurotrash club kids? Nobody ever bites an occasional hillbilly?

The Vampire Diaries where the ladies love their vamp men " well... just because they're hot, cool, vamp men".

More Homo-erotic, more sadomasochistic but it is reading instead of watching, so that's good right?

Why are vampires such a turn on for the ladies? Aren't they essentially just high end, metro-sexual zombies?Zombies=Dead people that are still walking around? Vampires=Dead people that are still walking around - the rotting body parts. While we're at it I know that men tend to be a little less mature than women but do we really have to reach 107 years old before we are sophisticated enough to really impress a 15 year old girl? Don't answer that.

Fantasies are often just that, dreams that tickle our ids. Still if a fantasy is creepy and destructive and keeps cropping up over and over again shouldn't we maybe try to give our kids something healthier to think about? I don't believe in censorship but if we all just backed away from the rape/murder/he's nice to me fantasy might it not benefit the woman in our lives? God only knows what my nephew likes about this stuff. What's his fantasy? Of coarse if they do bring home a vampire for Sunday dinner how do you keep him from roughing up then eating grandma?

Mmmm! Blood sausage!

You will need sausage casing, a 2 liter plastic soda bottle cut in half, a chopstick, and blood. The sausage casing you can get from any decent butcher shop. The blood is tricky. It will start to coagulate almost immediately and you definitely don't want crunchy bits in your boudin. Ick. Call Blood Farm in Groton, MA. They are a USDA approved slaughter house so when they're hacking the blood is fresh. Blood will freeze nicely so get extra and save for a rainy day.

1. Strain a pint of pigs blood ( if your vampire friend insists on human you are in serious trouble and  crosses and bibles my become necessary.) Remember, no crunchy bits.
2. Finally mince 8 ounces of bacon, Mmmm bacon! Fatback, or lard. Place in a bowl.
3. Add 2 cups of oatmeal or cooked rice ( rice for the gluten free version).
4. Pinch of salt, pepper, mace ( a powder made from nutmeg shells)
5. Add the blood. Fold everything together until the blood is absorbed.
6. Using the soda bottle like a funnel attach a foot or 2 of the sausage casing to the spout with butchers twine or a small rubber band.
7. Tie off the open end.
8. Use the fat end of the chopstick to push the blood mixture into the casing.
9. Do not stuff the thing too tight or the casing will burst during cooking. It should be looser than a store bought raw sausage.
10. Tie off the end.
11. In barely simmering water or broth poach the boudin for 30 minutes.
12. Eat it as is, slice it and fry for breakfast, have it with crackers after some vampire love.