Explain this to Me.

I bet you all thought that my long winter break would end with the Iowa caucus results. After all more than 100,000 people took the time to caucus last week, that's almost a half a percent of eligible voters in the United States. Sadly I cannot comment on the Iowa caucus because if I do the ratio of people commenting (mainstream media) on the significance of a statistically insignificant event which will have no more importance to the future of this country than will the status of my hemorrhoids will finally tip our pop culture oriented brains past the point where they will ever be able to discern actual game changing actions ever again. Stripped of our ability to separate important information from worthless buffoonery you would see a sudden dominance of news concerning celebrity scandals, random but horrific crimes, talk radio pet peeves, and straw-man enemies that are no threat to the safety and well being of anyone. I couldn't let that happen so the Iowa caucus will have to wait.

Instead this past weekend has found me reeling after coming face to face with something so foul...so wrong headed... so outside my frame of reference I need help just understanding how so many people could fantasize about...Vampire love?

Feminists arise before it is too late.

I thought I dodged this bullet over the Thanksgiving weekend when my nephew wanted to go, but without going into detail I was forced to actually watch this soul destroying piece of pop culture just this past Sunday.

I had to wear it or I would have torn out my own eyes!

I never read any of the books nor had I seen any of the movies until Sunday. I was a lucky man unaware of just how blessed he really was. All I can say is if this a common woman's fantasy the feminist movement has some work cut out for themselves. As far as I can tell the saga must have started with the twitchy rubber-band girl from the Breakfast Club having a twitchy passive daughter.

When I was a girl we didn't have shiny vampire dudes we just had snorkel coats, a Sheen brother,  and crystal meth.

The movie starts with a girlgasmic wedding scene because getting married in as expensive a way as possible is super important for girls. This is followed by super rough PG-13 virginal wedding night sex because the wedding night is supposed to be special and nothing says special like a 109 year old dude ( How is that not incredibly creepy by itself?) power slamming his teen bride around a fabulous super expensive honeymoon suite. Twitchy girl is not a vampire yet for reasons I don't know so she's all banged up after the wedding night and I mean contusions not sexually satisfied. There were bruises every which way because I guess love hurts.

That's not the vampire Dude from the movie, that's your daughters husband if she tries to live out this movie fantasy.

Anyway twitchy girl gets immediately pregnant which leads to a vampire human hybrid baby trying to chew its' way out of mommy from the inside. I mean what else did they expect from a vampire human hybrid baby? So the only way to save mommy is to vamp her, but that would kill the hybrid baby so it was time to insert an anti-abortion message here, because after you have been impregnated from humping a 109 year old dead guy certain moral lines cannot be crossed. It was just like Juno only without the snappy dialogue, cool alt-rock sound track and the hamburger phone and if Juno was being killed by the disturbing undead thing inside of her.

... but Dad, he's only been dead for 90 years.

Now remember that this is a movie for tween girls, their moms, and people as pathetic as myself so right about now is when the werewolves show up to kill the hybrid baby. Bad werewolves, bad bad werewolves! What did I do with my rolled up newspaper? Why would you want to kill an innocent, totally new species of mommy eating vampire/humane hybrid baby? Bad, bad werewolves!

I guess I should just go with the flow on ( really bad pun, sorry, very sorry) this one but sexy vampire love keeps popping up in many of our entertainments. there is...

Randy r-rated vampire love with a homo-erotic subtext.

True Blood on HBO where the ladies love their vamp men because they're " good to me" despite past incarnations as murdering serial killers and the occasional slip in the present.

Hot girls for the guys, hot vampires for the girls. The ladies and gay people really seem to love vampires.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer where the ladies love their vamp men "when their souls are in place" despite past activities as murdering serial killers and the occasional slip in the present.

Why do all Vampire dudes look like Eurotrash club kids? Nobody ever bites an occasional hillbilly?

The Vampire Diaries where the ladies love their vamp men " well... just because they're hot, cool, vamp men".

More Homo-erotic, more sadomasochistic but it is reading instead of watching, so that's good right?

Why are vampires such a turn on for the ladies? Aren't they essentially just high end, metro-sexual zombies?Zombies=Dead people that are still walking around? Vampires=Dead people that are still walking around - the rotting body parts. While we're at it I know that men tend to be a little less mature than women but do we really have to reach 107 years old before we are sophisticated enough to really impress a 15 year old girl? Don't answer that.

Fantasies are often just that, dreams that tickle our ids. Still if a fantasy is creepy and destructive and keeps cropping up over and over again shouldn't we maybe try to give our kids something healthier to think about? I don't believe in censorship but if we all just backed away from the rape/murder/he's nice to me fantasy might it not benefit the woman in our lives? God only knows what my nephew likes about this stuff. What's his fantasy? Of coarse if they do bring home a vampire for Sunday dinner how do you keep him from roughing up then eating grandma?

Mmmm! Blood sausage!

You will need sausage casing, a 2 liter plastic soda bottle cut in half, a chopstick, and blood. The sausage casing you can get from any decent butcher shop. The blood is tricky. It will start to coagulate almost immediately and you definitely don't want crunchy bits in your boudin. Ick. Call Blood Farm in Groton, MA. They are a USDA approved slaughter house so when they're hacking the blood is fresh. Blood will freeze nicely so get extra and save for a rainy day.

1. Strain a pint of pigs blood ( if your vampire friend insists on human you are in serious trouble and  crosses and bibles my become necessary.) Remember, no crunchy bits.
2. Finally mince 8 ounces of bacon, Mmmm bacon! Fatback, or lard. Place in a bowl.
3. Add 2 cups of oatmeal or cooked rice ( rice for the gluten free version).
4. Pinch of salt, pepper, mace ( a powder made from nutmeg shells)
5. Add the blood. Fold everything together until the blood is absorbed.
6. Using the soda bottle like a funnel attach a foot or 2 of the sausage casing to the spout with butchers twine or a small rubber band.
7. Tie off the open end.
8. Use the fat end of the chopstick to push the blood mixture into the casing.
9. Do not stuff the thing too tight or the casing will burst during cooking. It should be looser than a store bought raw sausage.
10. Tie off the end.
11. In barely simmering water or broth poach the boudin for 30 minutes.
12. Eat it as is, slice it and fry for breakfast, have it with crackers after some vampire love.