Once More With Feeling!

I love Saint Paddy's Day...

Sorry, I always forget to wear pants the day after.

... that's love, love, love Saint Paddy's Day. On March 16th I'm working my 3rd Saturday in a row while a nation in the grips of a sequester are wondering why a bunch of pin-headed congressman are screwing with their mail and the national parks. On March 18th I'm working my approximately 1,800 Monday safe in the knowledge that our AK wielding nation of gun zealots are keeping me safe from the FEMA camps our socialist president has been plotting since his days as a Muslim mole in Hawaii. Plus I don't know where my pants are. But on March 17th none of that matters because I'm getting busy with a Guinness and a plate of eggs at 9AM, Bing is singing McNamara's Band on the juke box, the place is packed with fake Irishmen having a real good time, there's a boiled dinner simmering on the stove at home, I've got The Quite Man in my Netflix que, there's still 15 more bars to visit, and I'm wearing pants. Only in America. ( Actually out of respect I wear pants in most countries.)

What other countries dye their rivers green? You go Chicago!

So with nothing to lose but my bad mood, my sobriety, my virginity, and my pants I set out on a quest to imbibe at least one adult beverage in every drinking establishment in Haverhill. Archie's, Smith's ,
Kruger's, Lasting Room, Chit Chat, Han Garden, Barking Dog, Toma's, OG's, The Tap, Peddler's Daughter, Essex Street... so I lied, there are only 12 within walking distance of my kitchen. Still I persevered. I was drinking Black Adders, which sound more bad ass than Black and Tans, and are more bad ass than Black Velvets. I should have just had Guinness but no one in this country knows how to pour one so if my drink of choice had to be ruined I wanted it ruined in a bad ass way.

Today's science lesson...the density of different liquids

1. Take a pint glass.
2. Fill it half way with Magners or some other Irish hard cider.
3. Using a spoon to slow the stream slowly top off the glass with Guinness.
4. Note that the "heavy" Guinness is the one that floats.
5. Drink, enjoy, repeat 12 more times.

I didn't say I walked to each place, just that I could.

As the day progressed and I floated from bar to bar I had to give my birth country credit. The original Saint Patrick's day in Ireland was just like any catholic holy day of obligation. Church, grimness, praying yatta, yatta, yatta... (although they did cancel lent for one day which isn't so much a party as it is a reprieve in the middle ages that was pretty cool) It took a new country and a new spirit to turn that into the kind of drunken party that  spans all social and religious groups. That's the America I've been missing... the country that shamelessly jams fine old world traditions into the melting pot then dumps out something new and fun for everybody. There really isn't one authentic thing involved in the whole Saint Paddy's day who-ha; we just made the whole thing up. Leprechauns in the old country wear red not green. Irish people didn't eat corned beef because they were generally poor and had to ship their cows to England. St Patrick wasn't even Irish, was brought to the island as a slave, and might have been imaginary. Oh yeah, and his favorite color was blue. There were shamrocks though, religious men of the time used them to teach the heathens about the holy trinity. Try that on a drunken sorority girl.

You know what else is wrong with St Paddy's day as done in Ireland? It has nothing but Irish doing the partying.

Red hair  much?

Now check out  America getting our diversity on.

One Jewish Mayor of Chicago and the O'Toole family

Nothing brings on the equality like a set of green shamrock deely boppers.

I didn't stagger home until 7PM. My boiled dinner was faithfully waiting for me. How awesome is that?  Food that you can not ruin because it is a sort of sad mush to start with. I just added another Guinness to the pot, took a shower, ( I still had my pants at that moment) and watched sports center until I passed out from pure fun ( and some where upwards of 8 black adders). (Hey, don't get judgmental with me. It was spread out over 10 hours and plenty of walking).

I was too tired in the AM, yeah I'm going with tired, to eat my boiled dinner. Couldn't find my pants either. I really should buy another pair. No problem with the dinner, I just added a Bud since I was out of Guinness, I left the lid on tight and the heat turned low. I'd eat a meal at home eventually. Like that night. Only by then I didn't want boiled dinner. No sweat.

It's not Irish, but then neither is Eva Longoria

1. Heat a cast iron skillet under a medium low flame.
2. Fish the corned beef out of the boiled dinner. Save everything else for later or maybe fry some of the potatoes and carrots in butter, Mmmm butter, to go with your sandwich.
3. You need 4 slices of bread; rye bread would be best.
4. You need four slices of cheese, swiss would be best.
5. (What do you mean you don't have cheese? Philistine! How do you live that way?)
6. If you have thousand island dressing use that, mustard will work instead, but if all else fails there is no shame in going commando.
7. Butter, Mmmm butter, 2 slices of the bread.
8. Starting with the unbuttered bread, go dressing or mustard, chopped cabbage, cheese, sliced corned beef, cheese, buttered bread butter facing out. 
9. When both sandwiches are made put them butter side down in the skillet.
10. Now butter the tops in anticipation of the flip.
11. Low and slow baby, Low and slow. You need the cheese to melt, the bread to get a golden brown crust, and the whole thing to heat through.

It isn't an authentic version of the sandwich, which isn't Irish since it was probably invented in an American Jewish deli in the 1920's, and has no uniquely Irish ingredients, but the umami factor is off the charts and after a day of being "tired" you will find it a food of the gods. Saint Paddy's day it's a gift that keeps on giving. So what did we learn.

1. You must always have cheese in you fridge.
2. Fake holidays are more fun than real ones.
3. Guinness is the light low calorie part of a Black&Tan, a Black Adder, and a Black Velvet.
4. Boston and New York may have the rep, but Chicago has the green river.
5. Frying things in butter is awesome.

Pants are over-rated.