A sad twisted man.

So last week, giddy over the 20 or 30 regular viewers I have achieved, I made a post about "True Love". Not my strong suit. I even tried to clean it up, hose out the negative undertones, and fix some nasty errors in logic. Still not getting it. Unfortunately I can't leave it alone. So here is something that popped up on a friends facebook page which I am now poaching for this post.



Now that's what we think of when we think of true love ( I know they are the same gender, Hello also two completely different species.) "True Love" as it exists in Disney movies and too many peoples heads does not involve sex. Hell, I'll go with it. I even get a bit verklempt when I watch the video. ( a verklempt  50 year old fat man sitting alone in front of a computer; not exactly a vision that suggests mental health, but we will let that go for now.) Something nags though...

I have it. The elephant doesn't care if the dog goes out with other dogs then comes home smelling of cat poo and dead squirrel. The dog doesn't care if the elephant can't drop those last 5 pounds of baby weight or insists on getting a new more stylish water trough even though the old one is perfectly fine. In essence the dog is the elephants pet and the elephant is the dogs pet.

This is not the way humans function. If you want a pet to supply your love buy a dog. ( no cats, the only reason a cat seems to love you is because you are too big for it to eat.) Unconditional love is great in your head, just like great deep fried food is great at a clam shack, stick either in the real world and things get messy and hard.

Mmmm messy and hard!

The fried food you have stashed in your head is truly awesome when done correctly. Like love the whole thing hinges on going in with your eyes open and never forgetting the "correctly part". There are a few simple rules to follow, they are hard work, the result will be messy but delicious, and you won't burn everything to the ground or end up with something limp and unappetizing in your hands.

First off if you use gas in your kitchen stove and you really, really, really want to deep fry do not read any further. Go to a kitchen store and invest in a deep frying gizmo. How the hell do I know which kind? I don't deep fry at home. The reason for this is that the oil in a deep fryer should be 365 degrees which pretty much turns it into a bomb.

See those bubbles? that's the water in the food turning into steam. The steam rushes out of the food making the oil boil. Now remember we are not talking 212 degrees here we are talking 365 degrees. If 365 degree oil over flows the containment vessel and hits something hot like an open flame everything goes boom! Gas stove: boom! Me? I'm going to the Clam Box in Ipswich...

My Church

... but if you still insist.

1. Fill a cast iron dutch oven (cast iron is good because heat control is key) no more than 2/3rds of the way full.
2. Using a candy thermometer heat the oil to 365 degrees.
3. Choose your food. We'll go with french fries for today cause I don't feel like taking the time to write about breading or batter.
4. Cut your potatoes into even sized strips. The thicker they are the longer they will need to cook.
5. Rinse them well, then pat them dry. Remember, excess water leads to boil overs which leads to boom!
6. Resist the urge to put too many fries in the pan at once. If you drop the temperature too much instead of the steam rushing out the oil seeps in. I lie greasy goodness, but I'll pass on just greasy.
7. You can Keep the fries warm in a 200 degree oven. Put a cooling screen on a cookie sheet so the fries don't steam. Soggy is bad too.
8. Did I tell you to turn on the kitchen fan? Go back to step 1 and turn it up to high. All those bubbles are carrying oil into the air.
9. When all the batches are done add catsup and enjoy. the ten minutes of bliss you will have might be mitigated by the greasy stove to, the dutch oven full of oil (you can save it but now all its good for is more frying) the greasy cookie sheet, the greasy cake rack, and remember if you keep doing this you will eventually need a professional cleaning of your fan system or Boom!

Now was that worth it? We didn't even get to the breading part which would double the mess. Were the moments of bliss worth the work, the potential danger to your well being? If you said yes then fried food and true love are things you can try at home. Me? I'm sticking to take out. (I know what I am implying... so it goes. I don't deep fry and I don't like being a pet.) I do like... Mmm! Fried food...