Apples!

I love me some apples. They are easily the big wazhoo of the produce world. They have a longer season than oranges, keep better than peaches, don't skunk as quickly as pears, there is no health concerns from incontinent farm hands like there is with melons, you aren't going to break out in hives like you might from strawberries, unlike plums and nectarines they are pretty much loved by everyone, and you can do a million things with them besides enjoy their awesomeness straight up. Plus you can nullify all those darned health benefits with just a little imagination. Mmmm, imagination! Finally apples are probably one of the last foods you can enjoy locally without paying a fortune. Beef is from Colorado, tomatoes are from Mexico, pork is from South Carolina, chicken is from factories, oranges are from Florida when they are not from California when they are not from Chile, shrimp is from China, 90% of most peoples food is from packages. So why are we so fat when the food we eat tastes so dull? If I'm going to be fat it better be  from uncontrolled deliciousness.

America, the streets are paved with...food?

So I went apple picking Sunday. I've been sick so I had to put it off till now and now is almost too late. Seasons passing and such, damned clocks. Plus it is incredibly hard to get anyone to go apple picking with you. Men think its gay ( sorry gay people, but they do), going by yourself seems weird ( families rightfully hurry the children past the lone man in the apple orchard) women either want to bring all of the kids ( which is fine, I even recommend it, just leave me out of it) or turn it into an event that involves shopping, dinner, hayrides, crafts, and potpourri. ( Always with the God damn potpourri).  I just want to go out, get a big bag of fresh apples, eat the equivalent of a second big bag of fresh apples, then maybe pick up some cider and some hot cider donuts, Mmm cider donuts, and... Oh yeah,  help the Everett people lost in the freaking corn maze. ( blame it on GPS, Massachusetts had its' first corn maze crisis this year) .

So you chumped your friends into going apple picking with you, you have a large bag to fill, and there are twenty kinds of apples to choose from, what do you do? You pull out a squirt bottle ( one pint water, eighth of a teaspoon bleach, what! You have to wash them before you eat them) and some napkins and you sample the wares. Duh, of course they are all apple flavored, they're all apples. Didn't you ever wonder why there are so many different varieties? They taste different, they have different textures, they're useful for different kinds of eating. Now's your chance to compare, you can't compare when you have a bag from the supermarket that only has one kind in it, and supermarkets frown on sampling ( I found that out as a child during the big market altercation of 1968. Sorry Food Fair, sorry New Jersey, I was just a kid). You are in an orchard, carpe deium.

Red Delicious, Yuck!

The apple everyone thinks of when they think of apples. This is why they suck. Sweet with no real apple flavor they don't hold up well to cooking. They also go mealy on you if you don't eat them right away. Don't waste the room in your bag.

Golden Delicious

Tastes better than the Red Delicious even if it is still ungodly sweet. It also doesn't hold up well. Makes a great apple butter, Mmmm butter, though.

1. Peel, core and finely dice 5 or 6 pounds of golden delicious apples.
2. Add 4 cups sugar, 2 teaspoons cinnamon, 1/4 teaspoon ground clove.
3. Put the whole mess in a crock pot.
4. Cover and cook on high for an hour.
5. Turn to low and cook at least 12 more hours.
6. Uncover and cook on high for another hour. Whisk if you want them smooth. Time this so it is not 3AM. Duh!
7. Cool the apples, place in sterile covered containers. Of course sterile, Duh!

This stuff will keep for weeks in the fridge, makes a sort of healthy spread for bread and toast, can be used as a substitute for butter in vegan baking, or used as a condiment with a big grilled pork chop.

Braeburn, now we're getting somewhere.

Firm flesh that gives a burst of sweet upon first bite then tarts up as you eat more Braburns are indistinguishable from my first girlfriend. A perfect lunch box apple their smaller size makes them perfect candidates for caramel apples

1. Wash and dry a bunch of braeburn apples.
2. Put one pound of caramels in a microwave safe bowl. (unwrap them please)
3. Add a couple tablespoons of whole milk.
4. Microwave on high for 30 seconds, stir, repeat, until you have pourable (sort of ) caramel.
5. Jab a pointed stick into the apples bottom ( a practice that caused my first girlfriend to break up with me). Then while tipping the bowl roll the apple in the caramel.
6. The caramel is still pretty sticky so nows the time to roll the apples in crushed cookies, chopped nuts, coconut, candy bits, etc, if you are so inclined.
7. Or just put them on a tray covered with no stick foil. It works way better than wax paper.
8. Tuck 'em in the fridge so the caramel hardens.

Now for most people that would be enough. Nah! Let them harden.

1. Take one pound chocolate chips, or chop one pound of bittersweet chocolate and place in a microwave proof bowl.
2. Add 2 tablespoons of light corn syrup.
3. Microwave on high for 30 seconds, stir, repeat until you have a pourable chocolate coating.
4. Then tip the bowl and roll the apples in the coating.
5. The coating will set pretty quickly, so if you want to roll the apples in crushed cookies, chopped nuts, coconut, candy bits, etc, work fast.

If you work fast they will look like...

Remember, Americans need more fruit in their diet.

Granny Smith, for when you want to make pie.

I can't make pie. My pie crust sucks. If I did make pie I would use Grannys. Firm flesh that will stand up to heat, tart taste that won't become cloying from added sugar, and loads of pectin so the pie comes out in slices instead of glops. You didn't know why your pies are runny? All fruit contains pectin. It's the stuff that makes fruit jellies jellify ( not a real word but you know what I mean).  Of coarse you could just skip the pie and go for...

Remember, Americans need more fruit in their diet.

1. Peel and core 4 or 5 Granny Smith apples.
2. Fry the apples over medium heat in butter, Mmmm butter!, until they start to brown. Then throw in a fist full of brown sugar, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and a pinch of salt.
3. Butter, Mmmm butter!, a 9 by 13 inch pan.
4. Add the apples.
5. In a bowl mix a cup of oatmeal, a cup of brown sugar, a half cup of flower and a cup of softened butter, Mmmm butter! When the stuff starts looking like wet sand fold in a big handful of toasted nuts. I don't care what kind, it's not a big deal.
6. Spread the crisp mix over the apples.
7. Bake in a 375 degree oven for twenty minutes, drizzle with honey, and bake for 20 minutes more.

I'm thinking vanilla ice cream. Maybe whipped cream. Why not both?

Gala's 

Gala's are excellent at holding their shape so they make for a great side dish. Suppose you had a big grilled pork chop and you wanted something a little more substantial than apple butter. You could cut a bunch of gala apples in half, paint their cut side with melted butter, then throw them on the grill. Give them 3 minutes then turn 90 degrees and grill 3 minutes more. You should have a nice cross hatch pattern now. Flip them over, sprinkle them with fresh thyme, then shredded jack cheese. Close the lid until the cheese in all bubbly. Serve with the pork and maybe sweet and sour red cabbage.

Remember, Americans need more fruit in their diet.

Apples, who says they have to be good for you?
It's time for Octoberfest.