Start Slow

Let's face it, you have until next Monday so you want to start slow and build to a big finish. I'm thinking  appetizer,  salad,  pasta, and  dessert. Mmmm dessert! You need to get a good rhythm going so you will need some music. Finally you need a couple of thoughtful gifts. Remember our goal here is to thwart the status quo, so ladies if you want roses, chocolates,  and restaurant food call FTD, grab a snickers bar, and drag your soul crushed significant other to Denny's. He can give you that blood diamond pendent over your grand-slam breakfast. For the rest of you...

Gifts that are not thoughtful:

1. Gift certificates, extra points off if they are for Home Depot or Market Basket.
2. Appliances, points off for x-boxes
3. Trampy undergarments, points off for pre-existing holes
4. Mix tapes, points off because you picked your songs not her songs you dope.
5. Toys that are self-heating, self-cleaning, or self-lubricating. Points off if they buzz.
6. Roses (everybody gives roses, it's not thoughtful when 60 million other guys are doing the same thing.
7. Box-o-chocolates (see #6)

Now on to the tunes. Start with the classics. No, not Michael Bolton, the real classics, no not Kenny G, just slow down and let me blog. Duh! I'm talking about the real classics, so we start with Tchaikovsky. Music that is lush, warm, soulful. Music that takes its' time. Remember we're starting slow and easy, then aiming for a big finish.


I know, corny. So corny you could steal it and...



That Walt, he was a thieving bastard, but he was also a master manipulator. Bambi's Mom really? Still romance has a wee bit of manipulation to it no? Let's face it you really just want to be playing with that x-box I told you not to buy, so this whole thing is a manipulation anyway. You bought into that whole "You'll get laid thing" Mmmm laid! By the way Walt knew his stuff. Why pay someone to write romantic stuff when someone else, someone brilliant,  already has? Only steal from the best.



Old school romantic. Gotta love the trumpet bridge at about 2 and a half minutes. If she's not dazzled by these tunes we'll be getting more modern as the week goes by, but I have to say, if she wants Celine Dion, just walk away. If you want Celine Dion seek help. There is good corny. That would be sincere corny, honest corny. If Celine Dion mated with Kenny G all sincerity would drain from our world and we could never love again.  Now we need something to put on the table.

Shrimp: Update a classic.



Now what you need are the big boys. The #8s. That's 8 to ten per pound. Buy frozen, shell on. Frozen! what kind of cook are you! Well the thing with jumbo shrimp in New England is there aren't any. If you live in Louisiana there's gulf shrimp. If you live in China there are shrimp farms. Up here you can get little tiny Maine shrimp. We don't want little tiny shrimp. So your choice is shrimp that were frozen on the boat, or shrimp that were caught, transfered to trucks, driven north, transfered to..blah blah blah... just buy frozen.

You want to brine your shrimp. Take a quart of water and add a half cup of salt and a half cup of brown sugar. Get it all to dissolve, heat it if you have to, just don't add the shrimp until the brine is cold. Throw the shrimp in until they thaw then give them an extra hour to brine.

Shrimp prep requires you to snip the shells along the spine and remove the vein. Sometimes there is no vein. This is because it's not an actual vein but some dirty bits that vary from shrimp to shrimp. Anyway if there is dark sludge running up the back of your shrimp remove it. Dark sludge does not impress the ladies.

Broil the shrimp shell on. We are trying to keep our shrimp supple here. Boiling tightens everything up. Rubbery shrimp bad supple shrimp good. Of coarse burned shrimp are bad too so watch these guys carefully under the broiler. Only a couple minutes on side 1, less on side 2.

Peel. Refrigerate till needed.

So how are we serving? Grab a handful of frozen raspberries, one of those fruit cups of mango they have in the produce section, a habanero pepper, and some fresh mint. Seed the pepper, lose the white pith too, throw it in a blender with the berries and the mango. Blend not liquify. Chiffonade the mint. Stir and serve.

OK, ok, old school. Grate a couple of tablespoons of fresh horseradish. Add to a cup of catsup, a tablespoon of tomato paste, squirt of honey, the juice of a lemon, salt and pepper. Stir and serve.

Or we can try something brand new.

For something completely different soften an 8 once  block of cream cheese. Mince up an equal amount of  shrimp. Not the #8s just get the precooked mediums. You will need a dozen jalapeno peppers.

See those seeds and ribs they have have to go or everything is going to be too hot. You will need bacon. Mmmm bacon! Cut the peppers in half. Mix the cheese and the shrimp. You can season with salt, but old bay would be nice instead, or maybe some sirracha sauce, or part of the flavor packet from shrimp flavored ramien. Go nuts! Fill the pepper halves. Put the peppers back together. Wrap in bacon. Mmmm bacon! Bake ( on a rack you don't want the bacon sitting in its' own drippings) at 375 degrees for 15 minutes. Brush with tereyaki sauce. Bake 5 minute more. You can do this all ahead. The day of the big meal arrange the popper rangoons ( I just made up that name) in a circle on a microwave safe dish. Just warm them, maybe a minute or two. Add mango hot salse to the center, sprinkle on some green onions. and Wow!


If that's too hot for you you can cool things down with a jicama slaw. Follow the link so you know what to buy. Peel it. Wash it, Shred it. It looks like potato, tastes like pear. Combine it with thinly sliced red onion, olive oil, salt, cilantro, honey and lime juice. Mound on a plate and surround with the popper rangoons. Wow, hot and cool.