Winging it!

I took a royal beating at work today. Every plan I made, every thing I tried, went south. Enough people were relentlessly horrible that I had to at least entertain the idea that serial killing might be a valid career choice. Wow, thank the lord that I could come home, pop a can of bud and listen to the sassy voice of America...

"You get a car! You get a car! You get a car! You get a car! You get a car! You get a car! You get a car! You get a car! "

 Douh! How will I know what to think, believe, and consume now. Can I ever learn about serious issues without Dr Phil, angels, and a prius to motivate me? How will I know what to read? How will I know what to feel? How will I absorb inspiring stories of over coming adversity when the mother of all talk shows is gone? I want, no need, no crave someone to follow.

"The Rapture will happen on 5/21/11 at 6 PM" ... eastern standard time.

It's not television, but the guy has a radio station which is cool, and someone offered to sell me a whole bunch of billboards with his words on them for cheap money. A little old time religion is just the ticket... wait a minute. Doesn't Reverend Camping look familiar? Wasn't he...

Gee Andy! There's 4 horseman and a beast outside with Floyd!

I guess maybe I'll just stay the coarse and go with a secular leader. Someone who shoots bad guys in the face, tells Israel exactly what every other President for the last 20 years has been telling them, and uses a moment in an Irish pub to rip off one of the seminal speeches of the 20th century.

Ich bin ein Irishman!

Hey, I hate being manipulated almost as much as I hate ripping off great moments in history. You know something? Maybe this following thing is a bad idea. There seems to be something wrong with the folks arrogant enough to be showing us the way. Maybe it's time to "wing it"

"Mmm winging it!"

Oh well...? Part 2

Another cheat, we're all still here. I forgot to lube the speedo before I put it on and now I can't get it off. Damn you false prophets. I'll just have to carry on.

Nothing says religion like self important bombast. Carry on!

Oh well...?

Seems the world is supposed to end today...bummer. Actually it's only going to be the rapture so the folks that have accepted Jesus as our savior get to go bodily to heaven while the rest of us get to hang around for another 5 months of tribulations. You know, plague, locusts, whirlwinds, standard issue biblical torments.

 I'm not quite sure if the extra few months are supposed to be 1) a chance for us sinners to rethink our miscreant ways or 2) to give us a taste of worse things to come. Me? If I see the dude in the car next to me float off to heaven in the middle of a traffic jam I'm pretty sure that will be enough to convince me that Jesus is my savior. Seems kind of unfair to the other dude though. He spent his whole life praying while I was drinking, cursing, spanking the monkey, plotting to get laid, eating butter, Mmmm butter! and just generally being a dick. I'm guessing that the real option will be #2.

Which is cool because I'll get right to work on my bucket list. To start I'll shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Then I'll run with scissors, play with matches, and tear all the tags off my pillows. I always wanted to sleep with the Olsen twins. Owning a slave could be cool. Normally I don't dance because I embarrass myself and the people that can see me but with no hope I can dance the merengue in a speedo in the center of town on the 4th of July. A speedo that I'll then wear  in public 24/7. I'm dying to find out what happens if I eat the bay leaf from my stew pot. I'll phone in prank calls to the White House. I'll go from church to church teasing all the priests and ministers that didn't get raptured. I'll swim right after eating a big lunch. I'll build a pug cannon out of old pipes and elastic bands so I can fire them at oncoming cars. I'll juggle kittens, talk with my mouth full, and wear white before memorial day. I'll see if small children will fit in my pug cannon and then I'll fire them at oncoming cars. I'll sleep with your wives and daughters unless you're a woman and then I'll sleep with you. All bets will be off, I'll have already wasted eternity, so what will I have to lose?

See, this is the problem with religion... it's just no fun. well in the northern hemisphere anyway.

Jouvert means daybreak. During carnival it is a winding street party that starts before dawn and often ends at a Mass. Mardi Gras times 2. If you are going to believe in made up stuff I say go for happy made up stuff. I wonder if the Mayans knew the Christens were going to beat them to the punch  by 2 months on the end of the world thing. Your calendar has 2 months too many Mayans, Ha,ha! USA! USA!

I'm sticking with carnival. So lets cook up up some curried goat for after Mass.

The Circus.

Trump dropped out of the presidential race yesterday. In his interview he made it clear that he would have so definitely won if he had stayed in but he had more important things to do. Gingrich decided he is going to run because nothing says family values like a thrice divorced pig that spent the last 7 years of his 2nd marriage getting hummers from his future 3rd ex-wife. Ron Paul is in, which should be a great thing if you are a libertarian but a bad thing if you are against slavery. I'm not being fair though, Mr Paul isn't in favor of slavery, he just had a problem with Lincoln trying to make it illegal. (this is true). Mitt Romney is still running even though he belongs to a party that thinks Mormon begins with an M just like Muslim so neither of them qualify as christian. If he really wanted to win he would have embraced Romney care, run as a democrat and given all the people that don't think they're racist a centrist white guy to vote for.

Then of course there is Fox News. Seems less than 2 weeks after capping Osama (why do folks that don't trust the government want the government to go around executing people? How could that possibly go wrong?), proving he was the baddest dude in the hood, Obama invited the rapper "Common" to the White House, there by completely trashing decorum, decency, and America. Check out the Daily Shows take down of the noise machine.

I don't know what Sarah Palin was doing this week, but do you every see her and Snookie in the same photo? The only difference between the 2 is one is thinking of running for president and one is orange. With The Donald, and therefore NYC,  out of the running Snookie, or Sarah whichever finishes a whole newspaper first, could totally become president, or win Dancing with the Stars, whichever is more important to the American people in 2012. I'm not even going to mention Michelle Buchmann. Oops, I just did. What a circus.

Look! It's republican national headquarters.

I insult circuses though. I took my brothers kids to the circus this Sunday. It was awesome. People contorting themselves into bizarre positions, using illusion and misdirection to please the masses and conning us while making us part of the con. If you're in on the con what could possibly go wrong? Tell that to the parents that just shelled out $12 for a glow stick. Tell that to the people that displease our government and get shot in the face. Tell that to the people that would have to live with any of the pinheads I've mentioned in this post becoming president. Tell that to the lefties that wanted universal health care, an end to torture, handcuffs for banker robbers, wars to be over, an energy plan that doesn't involve drilling in ANWAR... I'm going to shut up now. I almost forgot I was supposed to be only ripping republicans in this post. Sorry.

Being in on the con does not make you safe or comfortable. It makes you a con artist. Supporting a con artist because he is part of your team, or because he pulled off a cool cowboy, stunt doesn't make you a winner. It makes you a fool.

I was just thinking...

1. Show of hands, Trump? Palin? really? Still?
2. Obama; extraordinary rendition, Guantanamo, targeted assassination of a unindicted United States citizen, but no convictions for the financial crash, wire taps, no jobs program, TAS, foreclosures are back, as are the tax cuts, liberal? or Richard Nixon's illegitimate kid?
3. After all these years of paying they are trying to tell me that social security and medicare have to be dumbed down to save the country, why aren't we passing out pitchforks and torches?
4. Gasoline isn't a problem but god help me if coffee keeps going up.
5. Of coarse greedy boomers, styling on their social security checks, can afford it.
6. If you forclose on a home shouldn't you have to prove you financed it?
7. Sick of the Republicans, ashamed of the Democrats, show of hands.
8. If NATO is at war with Libya and we are part of NATO are we at war with Libya?
9. If you look like a potato is it  a deal breaker with the ladies?
10. Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff, unless you work in an office. Then go for the jugular.
11. Is there anything worse for you that tastes better than a hot dog?

Mexican style, my favorite!

Reason to Believe

I spent this weekend worshiping at the alter of "Life is Good". From Friday night to just a few minutes ago there has been nothing but food, family, and friends. Plus an occasional adult beverage. Say yes to the adult beverage. Amen! I mean seriously, iced cold beer in a frosted mug, a small rivulet of condensation tracing a line through the ice, another skim of ice forming at the top of the glass. I say to you Hallelujah! No matter how bad your work week was that perfect moment when you bring that glass to your mouth... I say again, Hallelujah! Does anyone out there doubt my friday night benediction? Costs almost nothing too.

So you add in friends, hey MD is up from NYC, DP is swinging by anyway, call ES and see if she's going to be around. By 6:30 the burden of toil was forgotten, friends were lined up and I was on my way to Davis SQ DP in tow.

Literally a hole in the wall.

Townie bars are always the right place to start and finish the night in Boston. Early on everyones drunk enough to be friendly but not chippy enough to start brawling. Later everyone still there is past their expiration date so they're spending most of their remaining energy staying upright. Met MD at 8:30, ES to follow. DP had already turned the corner but he was entertaining the still friendly locals which gave me and MD a chance to catch up a little bit. I only had 1 (my count was now 2) because I take my time but before I was even finished DP was creepen peepen on a table of girls half our age. Time to eat.

Mmmm! Redbones!

I love Redbones. It isn't the best barbeque I've ever had, but it is funky and cheap and darn good chow. Only a ten minute wait, so by 9:30 I was chomping on pulled pork and sucking on a hoo doo lager. Bruins talk was running through the bar. Did I mention that Chara clubbed some Flyer while we were in Sligo? Why is a knockdown punch so awesome? Wouldn't a civilized man be appalled? Why not me? They have corn pudding there. Did I mention the corn pudding? Take the worlds least healthy grain and turn it into something between a side dish and a desert. Mmm corn pudding! My Hoo Doo brought me to 3 (in 4 hours) but DP had headed for the gulf stream by then so it was time to find a safe place to watch the rest of the Bruins game.

Flyers suck.

Needed a loud place to hid DP. The Joshua Tree did the trick. Loud, young meat market where the men were too busy macking on the ladies to hear DP's political rants. Too bad I couldn't talk to MD since we only cross paths once or twice a year. No ES even though she texted 2 times. Bruins win! Bruins win!
No beer for me in the Joshua tree. Games too exciting and DP is going to need a wrangler to keep him out of custody.

ES called at the crack of midnight but I was already herding DP to my car. I know it was early but at my age another hour would have killed me and my weekend was just getting started. Made plans to meet MD in NYC sometime before his wedding in August and headed home. DP hit the couch, I took a shower and hit the bed.

Saturday was Sea Dogs day in Portland ME. My friend K buys tickets for her husband my friend J. It's his birthday. L makes us a foursome, but I have to meet them at the park because I have business to take care of. One of our branch offices is in Portland and I have to drop by, plus there is Tony's.

The church of fried goodness.

I don't miss Linda's in Seabrook too often on my Saturdays but you have to if you are going to Tony's. A couple of those lead sinkers washed down with a bucket of black coffee could wake the dead. Not that I was dead. ( only 3 beers last night remember?) I'm just old and need a jump every once and awhile. The dozen I brought to the office helped lubricate the first time meeting though. Remember, good donuts are the cheapest way there is to buy people off  . So everyone is munching donuts, telling mover stories, figuring out how many people we knew in common even though none of us had ever met ( a surprisingly high number) and just generally shooting the breeze when P offers me the company season tickets for the Sea Dogs. Sweet. We already had tickets but these where right on the 1st base dugout. Time to meet K, J and L.

Those were our seats, thanks Pete!

Minor league baseball is a whole different vibe from the Red Sox. The pace, the crowd, everything is slower and calmer than Fenway. You eat, you chat, you make friends with your neighbors, you try to remember if you have heard of any of the players. The rotary sponsors sack races. They raffle off Sea bucks (what's a Sea buck?) and tickets. A lighthouse that must have escaped from a demolished amusement park pops out of the center field wall when ever the home team hits a home run. It's the America you see in the Walt Disney movies and it's really kind of cool. The most excitement all day was when L crushed a small child going for a ball one of the players threw her way. (well that never happened in a Disney movie.)
Time for food.

Business as usual :(

Well after more than 20 years of being a prick, 2 actual wars, a quarter of a million people dead, and a couple of trillion dollars wasted Osama got his. I was going to let things go too. I know I can be a bummer, taking a dump in the punch bowl every now and then, but this time I was just going to let everyone savior the moment. Too bad for business as usual.

... and then we marched into...?

• First off I'm glad the dude is toast, but one skinny diabetic crazy dude pretty much screwed around with the entire world (see first paragraph) for 25 years. Glad he's gone? Yep! Proud about what it took to do it? Not so much.
• In honor of the enormity of the event the Republicans were almost gracious for close to a day until yesterday afternoon when Sarah Palin thanked Bush and the Troops for getting the job done. No one else Sarah? no one?
• Of coarse talk radio didn't wait even that long... "Of coarse Bush deserved the credit and oh by the way, torture ( they didn't even use the term water-board which is apparently something other than torture in conservative land) works!"
• All the pundits immediately gave the 2012 election to Obama having learned nothing from Sr.'s rousing success in the first gulf war, or Jr's mission accomplished photo op.( I know Jr won a second term, but space people will be laughing at the picture of that buffoon in his organ grinder monkey suit long after our sun finally blows out.)
• As I already said I'm glad the dudes gone, and I have no problem if he died in a wild fire fight, and I'm glad they didn't just carpet bomb the neighborhood,  but if they just capped the guy in his living-room after he was captured it kind of bothers me. Chalk it up to too many western television shows when I was a kid where the good guy would just shoot the gun out of the bad guys hand. You youngsters wouldn't understand.
• Everybody is saying "The world is a safer place." Duh, no it is not.
• They named the operation "Operation Geronimo" why does a black president not get that a name like that might not be racially sensitive? Why can't native Americans just let it go? Finally why are people getting offended that Native Americans are offended? I love when we hit the trifecta.
• Obama can get Osama, but apparently it is impossible to get any of the bankers that recklessly crashed out economy. I'm just saying.
• Anybody that does fret about the violence of Osama's end I would remind you that he was a big boy and redirect you to the first paragraph.
• Finally they are not going to release the photo's of the body. (I guess it is somehow more disrespectful showing the pictures than shooting the guy in the face to start with) Is Obama giving the Birthers something new to freak out about just to tweak them?

My head hurts. What I need is a holiday that encourages debauchery, too bad St Paddy's day is past and thank god for Cinco de Mayo. Like so many holidays Americans celebrate that they know nothing about Cinco de Mayo commemorates a battle the Mexican army won against a superior French force in 1862. They want on to be completely crushed less than a year later which may be why Cinco de Mayo isn't really a big holiday in Mexico. Still, any reason to party right? and you can't party without salsa. Mmm salsa!